What am I searching for? What is it that I am seeking?
Ever since I can remember, I have been running. When I was in school, I was running behind marks and ranks and being in the teacher’s good books. I was running behind friendships and winning competitions and showing everyone how smart and intelligent I was. I was running behind a good college seat so that I can secure my future.
I got the good marks, I got the college seat, I got the wins in competition, I even ended up getting a girlfriend. Everything that I was running behind, I had achieved. And yet, I continued running. I continued seeking and searching.
In college, I was seeking ways of fitting in. Running behind the same marks and same relationships. Same security. Somehow if I get a good job, I would feel better.
Now, as I am writing this, I am realising that I was always seeking ways of feeling better. Somehow, whatever I am feeling right now is not good enough. I am seeking a feeling somewhere in the future that is going to feel much better than what I’m feeling right now.
I want to get some more clarity on this so called better feeling.
This feeling is looking ridiculous to me. As soon as I asked the question, the answer I got was preposterous.
The feeling I am chasing is the feeling of wanting nothing.
Wow! My deepest desire is desirelessness.
And as I am reflecting on my past, I am noticing that I was trying to reach this state by working hard and fulfilling all my desires. I would even temporarily feel the feeling every time a desire of mine was fulfilled — because obviously, in that moment, I was in a state of desirelessness. But it was always temporary, as life was ready to serve a fresh desire.
My entire life became about fulfilling one desire after another, trying to chase the feeling of desirelessness. I am able to see that I am still searching for it. This perfect state where I will be free of all desires and attachments.
One thing I have understood is that this state cannot be reached by fulfilling the desires. That is a futile effort. The futility of desiring has to be seen. That is the only way.