Thousands of times everyday, I forget my true nature and I become identified with my mind, my body and the worldly possessions. And every time I remember, the feeling of guilt is experienced within me. The most common thought that I am thinking is ‘Why was I not aware?’, ‘How can I become unconscious again?’.
I’ve realised this is also a subtle trick of the mind. A last effort to keep me stuck in the loop of thinking. It doesn’t want to die. So it makes one last effort to be relevant. It turns on itself so that I can continue thinking. Even though the thinking is against the mind, doesn’t seem to matter to the mind. The thinking must keep going on. That’s it.
The most challenging part about my experiments of standing as the witness again and again, is the absolute lack of activity. There’s literally nothing to do. It is the dropping of all activity. Sometimes when I remember that I am unconscious and notice the thinking going on, I immediately start taking some effort to stop my thinking. Awareness brings the thinking to a halt as a by-product. But the mind subtly makes it into a goal. In the very effort to stop the thinking, the witness is forgotten again. I am behind all experiences. When I am trying to alter my experience, in that very effort, I have jumped into the experience as an ego. My true self, the aware presence that I am, cannot do anything to whatever is happening within. I am like the space in a room that remains unaffected by whatever is happening in the room. If I am trying to alter the experience, it means I have forgotten my true self. Oil and water might mix one day, but me and my experiences cannot ever meet.
I also become aware of some thoughts in my mind that are kind of guiding me towards becoming the witness. Its like a commentary on the experience. For example, ‘Oh look, your tummy has this sensation’ or ‘You are thinking about this’ or ‘You are hearing this sound’. This might seem its coming from my true self but its not. It is still an experience. Silence is my true nature. I don’t need a commentary to see (be aware of) what’s happening. It’s just there. The presence of a commentator denotes the presence of a listener. Otherwise why the commentary?
I am actually really excited to continue these experiments in awareness and find out more ways of how the mind tricks me into unconsciousness. I am very much aware that every moment of meditation is a grace that descends from the beyond. Its very easy for me to convert this into a sort of an ego trip to see how can I stay in my true nature longer. But this again is the trick of the mind. So I make no promises. This is not a race or an exam or a competition. It is an experiment. Its me preparing the soil so that the seed of my potential can sprout, grow and flower. I take no responsibility for what is to happen not because it is my choice and I choose not to. No. I recognise that I am not responsible for anything that happens. I am the witness that is aware of everything that’s happening.