When something wants to come out of you, it finds its way. This something that wants to be expressed cannot be explained by you. It cannot be wrapped around with words. It is an experience that can only be felt. In your very being. You hear a voice that is voiceless. Just an echo. So far off you can barely hear it. But it’s there. Its always been there. It is always going to be there. It is You. It is Me. It is our true nature. The one who experiences. The center of the circumference.
I am able to look at my ego right now. It is going nuts. I am able to see me parading myself around people. Craving the love, attention and respect they are pouring towards me. All genuine. All authentic. And yet, the craving feels uncomfortable. An unnecessary burden I have to carry. And if the burden is there, the I is required to carry it. The “ego-I” or the “false-I” continues to persist. And if there is an “individual I” that means there is the other. There is a separation between you and not-you. It is the rest of the world versus you. Things are happening to you. This false idea of you becomes the victim. The bearer of the burden.
As I stand back, I am able to perceive this ego. I am able to observe it. I am able to see it and hear it. It is separate from me. It cannot be me. Because I am able to observe it. I am able to see all its characteristics. It is a dream like entity in front of me. Almost like a movie.
The more I focus on this entity, the further it seems to go away. Its almost dissolving into nothing. Its super weird. Just a moment back, when I became conscious of it, I was initially playing the character of my ego. I was in the movie playing the role of the savior. The one parading himself in front of the crowd. And then, once I remembered to stand back, I just stood back and suddenly became the viewer of the movie. And then when I actually wanted to consciously watch the movie, I couldn’t. It started disappearing.
I tried again and now I almost forgot what the previous thought was. New thoughts have started flowing in. And I am able to maintain a distance between them and me. I am somehow sensing a subtle ego being created off and on. I am saying created because it comes and goes. I am glad I am aware of it. It is quite uncomfortable to accept it but it is what it is. The gross ego was quiet obvious to me. It wanted more and more in the outer world. More success. More money. More happiness. More pleasures. More and more.
Now since I started my spiritual journey or whatever the hell this is, I am experiencing life in a very different way. I am not even sure that I am the one typing moving forward. It feels like I am just transcribing. Someone else is speaking and I am just typing what I am hearing. This state generally doesn’t last very long. In fact, I was expecting it to be gone by now but luckily it is still here. I promise I will stop typing the minute I feel I am the one doing the typing and only continue if and only if this voice keeps talking. I already feel losing the connection but somehow the words are constantly flowing.
Now it wants me to talk about the Instagram project that I have taken up. Somehow you have started this creative work and sometimes it gets to your head. I don’t know what is this about honestly. I am just trying to grab whatever is being thrown at me. I honestly feel this is an amazing exercise. Whatever I am going through right now is being typed out. That’s honestly pretty cool. Like who is the one speaking and who is the one typing. Why am I typing. Why can’t I just stop? Lol. Who knows. But this is crazy.
Alright, back to what’s going on in my mind.
Right now, I have this awesome idea of writing a journal called “What’s Going On In My Mind”. Exactly what I am doing right now. I would want to capture everything that is currently happening within me in the form of words. I know I know, language is a barrier etc. etc. But for now, this is what has come up and that’s what I will be doing. Now, why would I want to do this? What am I experiencing right now? Is it actually feeling helpful? Honestly, I have no idea. But right about now I became aware of a thought about how can I monetize this. Whatever this is. I am able to see how tricky my mind is. It is constantly baiting me to jump into it’s trap. I know this is a strong word, but just notice what happens when you take the bait.
You are doing something that doesn’t involve the mind. That’s what I am doing right now. The words are flowing through the mind but the mind is not being involved at all. The mind seems to be giving me various baits. These baits are in the form of initial thoughts about various subjects. For example, right now, the bait I got was how can I use this article or technique or whatever and make some money of it? Another that has hit me right now is “Why is money so important?” and now, “Why is it important to find the importance about everything?”. And these are just when I am a little conscious of my mind. I can’t even imagine what must be happening within me when I am not conscious. I am awake and I have a thought bait which I take and I am constantly jumping from one thought to another all the while the mind is thought baiting me.
A pull back is required. That’s it. All I need to do is step back, zoom out and look. I am able to look at the thought baits. I am able to see them flashing in front of me. I have stepped out of the movie and I have become the viewer. But I am also aware of the viewer and the movie. There is an all covering expansive awareness that is encompassing this entire play. Of the witness and the movie and the mind. Everything just happening within me.