When did you realise, Mama?

There are so many things that I want to share by writing here that I am finding it difficult to decide on what to start with.

Yesterday, I had a wonderful conversation with my nephew. We were just talking about things and out of the blue he asked me, ‘When did you realise, Mama?’ The question really made me reflect on my life and I started answering. The way he held the space as I kept talking was so beautiful. It was such a wonderful experience just having someone listen to me. What I shared with him was such a revelation to me.

My very first experience of a shift was when I was starting my 10th standard. I clearly remember feeling different. As if a light bulb had been turned on within me. It was just a simple decision that just popped up for me. The decision was to take an effort. Up to that time I had not taken my studies seriously. I was just fooling around till my 9th grade. But that day, something in me said, lets take an effort and see what happens. There’s a clear before and after for me. That was my first experience of transformation, a shift.

My life after that was quite different. I aced my school exams and got into an engineering college. Mentally, things were going downhill for me because taking effort was taking a toll on me. I was no longer relaxed. I now wanted to get good marks, get a good job and become successful. And I was absolutely clueless on how to do that. I got into the habit of overthinking and because I had decided to take an effort, I took the same attitude to thinking as well. I started planning for things ahead, running imaginary conversations in my head and tackling imaginary problems and situations as well.

After completing college, I unsuccessfully worked a job for two months, then, tried preparing for MBA, failed that and then started a small 3d printing business. I was still completely clueless about my future and the direction of my career and I was really stressed about it as well. By the time we started Printrove, I was overweight and fighting depression. The next shift happened in Jan 2019 at a friend’s wedding in Goa.